03 Dec 88   The Reluctant Millionaires

René has a new plan for Edith's cabaret act - she is to mime along to a gramophone record of Jeanette Macdonald singing.  Michelle tells René that the money stolen from the bank is not to be used to pay the Communist's ransom, as the De Gaulle's Resistance funds are low. Fortunately, Mimi returns to the café and reveals that General Von Klinkerhoffen launched an assault on the Communists, and released the Germans and the Italian soldiers from captivity; though the Communists escaped.  Herr Flick informs Helga that the one million francs stolen from the bank was his money. Crabtree informs the café of this news. René passes the million francs to Gruber; except for a couple of notes which Michelle nicked to have her hair done. In return, Gruber gives René the fake paintings to hide (though Gruber believes they are the originals).  The General orders a search for all members of the Communist resistance. Denise and Louise run to café and force René to hide them.  Come cabaret time, Monsieur LeClerc places the wrong record on the gramophone player, forcing Madame Edith to sing along to a baritone voice.

10 Dec 88   A Duck for Launch

Denise, Louise and Mimi are hiding in various wardrobes and clocks in the café; afraid of been caught by the Germans. René cannot pass down the hallway without each of them grabbing him and declaring their love for him.  Himmler hears about the Gestapo's money been stolen. Although Herr Flick informs him that the money was forged, Himmler orders him to retrieve it, saying it is "the principle of the thing!" Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as fishmongers, to try and capture some of the forged banknotes.  Von Strohm, Gruber, Helga and Bertorelli split the remaining 975 000 francs between them. Meanwhile, Monsieur Alfonse has received some of the forged notes after Michelle spent some of them at the hairdressers. He is promptly arrested by the Gestapo when he tries to buy some fish.  The long-distance duck has given birth to some ducklings. Michelle reveals that the invasion plans have finally being photographed. The microfilm of which is to be attached to the duck, and sent to England. When the time comes for the duck to depart; the duck does not seem to want to leave its brood, and won't take off.

17 Dec 88   The Exploding Bedpan

Colonel Von Strohm orders René to deliver a suicide pill to Monsieur Alfonse in case he implicates any of them whilst under interrogation. Unfortunately, Madame Fanny starts to eat the pasty contacting the suicide pill, but manages to promptly spit it back out when she hears the word "Gestapo!".  Alfonse's dicky-ticker sets in after Helga shows him her black suspenders, and he is rushed to hospital. Michelle comes up with a plan to rescue Alfonse. They will disguise themselves as ambulance workers and switch Alfonse for a dummy. Helga, Gruber, Von Strohm and Bertorelli also come up with a plan of blowing up Monsieur Alfonse and thus eliminating him.  Von Strohm and Gruber disguise themselves as nurses and deliver a remote-activated exploding bedpan to Alfonse. However, the Resistance have already rescued Monsieur Alfonse, and put a dummy in his place. The bed-pan explodes and everyone escapes from the hospital.

24 Dec 88   Going Like a Bomb

Gruber comes to the café and discovers René dressed in an operating gown. Gruber tells him that Alfonse has now being eliminated. Monsieur Alfonse is actually hiding in the bed of Madame Fanny.  Michelle reveals that they have captured two German landmines. The explosive has been removed, and the British airmen will escape in the empty landmines. When they are dropped from the German planes, they will parachute back into England.  The Communist Résistance girls leave the café. Louise promises to kill Denise and then come back to make René her lover.  Herr Flick lets slip to Helga that the stolen money was forged. Herr Flick orders Von Smallhausen to disguise himself as a corpse, and try and see if he can find the money in the mortuary. Helga informs the Colonel of this news. The remaining 975 000 forged bank notes are promptly stuffed down Bertorelli's trousers and returned to René. Colonel Von Strohm then makes an anonymous call to Herr Flick to inform him that the forged money is down the trousers of a man with feathers in his hat! This will get the Italian captain out of the Colonel's way for good.  Unfortunately Monsieur LeClerc arrives in the café disguised as a pillow-stuffer (with feathers in his hat), delivering the parachutes to René. LeClerc makes a run for it, telling the Gestapo to "get stuffed!"

31 Dec 88   Money to Burn

René is having to practice his piano playing, as LeClerc has been arrested by the Gestapo. Herr Flick finds nothing down LeClerc´s trousers, but orders for him to be locked up anyway.  Bertorelli reveals that he delivered the forged notes to the café, and that the money was hidden in the café's oven. Unfortunately Madame Fanny decides to cook the potato spy camera in the oven, and ruins both the money and the spy camera.  Herr Flick threatens to shoot LeClerc, unless the money is returned to him. Gruber reveals to René that if the stolen landmines are returned, he may be able to get LeClerc released.  René informs Michelle of the situation, and as the British airmen are still practising escaping from the landmines, she contacts London on the radio for help. As LeClerc is being prepared to be shot in the town square, the RAF drop some new forged banknotes on the town, and everyone rushes to grab some of the money.

07 Jan 89   Puddings Can Go Off

Michelle reveals what happened to the explosive from the landmines which the Resistance nicked - it was hidden in a pudding factory, Due to the factory being commandeered by the Germans; 500 exploding Christmas puddings must be delivered to the café. Monsieur Alfonse delivers 58 of his 290 exploding Christmas puddings in a coffin; Crabtree delivers another two; six Resistance girls deliver twelve; and LeClerc tries to deliver another seven to the café.  The Führer is very upset that the landmines have been stolen. General Von Klinkerhoffen orders the Colonel and Gruber to try and locate the missing landmines. The Gestapo are also on the look-out for the landmines. Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as monks so they can climb the church tower and spy on René's café. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen try to ascend the church tower by climbing the bell ropes. This results in Herr Flick hanging in the church tower Von Smallhausen getting trapped underneath a bell.

14 Jan 89   Landmines for London

René is moving the Christmas puddings in the cellar, when Yvette comes in and disturbs him. Her candle accidentally lights the fuse to one of the puddings; forcing René to put it out with a soda spray.  Herr Flick and Helga manage to free Von Smallhausen from under the church bell. Herr Flick reveals to Helga that whilst suspended at the top of the tower, he saw the landmines in the builder’s yard next to René's café. Helga tells this news to the Colonel, who informs General Von Klinkerhoffen. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen hide inside the landmines, hoping to infiltrate the Resistance. The Colonel arrives and orders for them to be delivered to the airfield.  Michelle discovers that the landmines are missing, and decides that the airmen should be delivered to the airfield in beer barrels where they can climb into the empty landmines. Unfortunately, the landmines are taken away for bombing, before the airmen can get in them, and whilst Flick and Von Smallhausen are inside them.  Over England, two German air pilots, thinking they are free from the Gestapo, start singing "Göring is an idiot, Goebbels is a twit, Himmler is a pain in the butt, and Hitler is a ..." when Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen start tapping on the aeroplane's window.

21 Jan 89   Flight to Geneva

René hears of Michelle's latest plan. A midget-submarine will sail up the canal and take the airmen away. René has had enough, and decides to elope with Michelle and the paintings. Then Helga appears at the café, and orders René to bring the paintings to Colonel Von Strohm at once. The Colonel has been ordered by the General to send the paintings to Hitler, and a Swedish art expert will be sent to authenticate the paintings. However, Herr Flick believes that it could not be Hitler who telephoned the General, as he is in the Black Forest with Eva Brown.  The Swedish art expert arrives to authenticate the paintings. He gives the General gold bars in exchange for the paining, which he will deliver to his client in Geneva. The General places the gold in the police station safe. René sees what the General placed in the safe, and uses a spare key to open the safe, and steals some of the gold bars.  René then writes a note for Yvette, telling her to join him on the 11.15 Geneva Express. He gives this to LeClerc and asks him to pass it to Yvette. He also gives LeClerc a note for him to give to Edith which says "Goodbye!". Unfortunately, LeClerc gets the notes mixed up and gives Yvette's note To Edith. Edith places it in the till and it is later found by Mimi, who thinks that the note is intended for her.  The Swedish art expert places the paintings in the train's safe. The Colonel and Gruber disguise themselves as the train's guards. Helga will distract the art expert, and give the safe key to the Colonel, so he can switch the paintings. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as the train attendants, so they can drug the Swedish art-expert with a cup of coffee. René opens the curtains of his sleeping berth - only to discover Edith in the bed!

28 Jan 89   Train of Events

René is on-board the Geneva Express and trying to keep away from Edith, and discovers Mimi is on the train. René forces Mimi to jump from the train.  Helga drugs a cup of coffee in the kitchen. Von Smallhausen accidentally drinks this, and becomes unconscious. Helga manages to get the key from the Swedish art-expert, and gives the key to the Colonel.  René tries to escape from Edith again, but ends up in a bunk where Gruber is hiding from Herr Flick. He leaves and finds Yvette on the train. They try and find an empty bunk, but instead find LeClerc - who informs them that Michelle will be dropping an exploding Christmas pudding down the train's funnel. Consequently, a big bang takes place and the train crashes!  René and Edith return to the café on the back of a fish lorry. Yvette and LeClerc return on roller-skates. René tries to return the four bars of gold back to the police safe. Unfortunately, Crabtree has blocked the safe up with super-glue. Edith suggests blowing open the safe with a Christmas pudding,  Gruber managed to switch the paintings in the train's safe. Herr Flick took these forgeries, and replaced them with another set of forgeries The Colonel conceals the real paintings in a statue. The General takes a liking towards this statue, and immediately takes it to his château. The General also asks Gruber to retrieve the safe from the police station, and deliver it to the château. Some of the Italian troops remove the safe, just after Edith has lit the fuse to blow it up. The safe is placed in Gruber's tank, where it promptly explodes - right in front of Captain Bertorelli!

04 Feb 89   An Enigma Variation

René has melted down the four bars of gold he stole, and disguised them as the weight to the café's cuckoo clock. Both Yvette and Edith try and find out where René has hidden the gold; but to no avail.  The Colonel and Gruber reveal to René that four bars of gold were missing from the General's safe. They agree to turn a blind eye to the fact that René is the chief suspect, if René manages to retrieve the paintings from the commandeered statue in the château. René and the café members are to pose as the Excelsior Quartet. Whilst they pretend to perform the music, Helga will turn a gramophone record which will play the music out over the château's loud speakers.  Herr Flick believes that the General's dance is to discuss a plot to blow up Hitler, and will infiltrate the party. Meanwhile, Michelle reveals that the German's new Enigma machine must be stolen from the château, so the English can decipher German codes.  Von Smallhausen and Herr Flick pose at the party as waitresses. Von Smallhausen has a camera hidden under his false left breast, to capture pictures of everyone at the party. Mimi is concealed in the case of the double-bass, but Crabtree loses the key, forcing Mimi to steal the Enigma machine whilst still wearing the case.  Alfonse and Yvette hide in the piano, but the General orders the statue to be moved. This forces Alfonse and Yvette to move the piano across the dance floor, whilst René is still playing. They manage to retrieve the paintings though, and the party continues in full swing, with Crabtree singing Louise in broken French!

11 Feb 89   Wedding Bloss

Edith announces that she will marry M. Alphonse, unless René agrees to remarry her. Afraid of losing the cafe, René reluctantly agrees. M. Alphonse, as Deputy Mayor, will have to perform the ceremony. René returns the paintings to Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber.  The wedding ceremony is held, but Monsieur Alphonse has problems officiating. Captain Bertorelli brings along a surprise to the ceremony - Christmas puddings.

18 Feb 89   Down the Drain

René fears what General von Klinkerhoffen will do if he finds out that he has stolen the gold bars, and decides to escape to Geneva with Yvette. René camouflages the gold as the weight of his cuckoo clock and packs it with him. Yvette enters and wonders where he has hidden the gold, and starts fondling René to see if he has it on his person. As usual, they are surprised by Edith who wonders what's going on. "You STUPID woman!" René shouts; lying that Yvette was only searching for the key to the wine cellar. All of a sudden, von Strohm, Gruber and von Klinkerhoffen show up at the café. Klinkerhoffen says that the secret enigma coding machine has been stolen, and whoever has it will be able to encode all the messages of the German army. He demands a search of the café and says that anyone who tries to leave Nouvion will be shot - much to René's chagrin. Michelle pops up at the café - disguised as a pregnant peasant girl. She takes René to the back room and pulls out the enigma decoding machine from her coat. She instructs René to hide the machine in a wine barrel and drop it into the sewer. A British submarine is waiting to pick it up, so at a pre-arranged time, all the villagers of Nouvion will flush their toilets so that the enigma machine will reach the canal where the submarine is waiting. While the Germans are distracted, René, Edith, Yvette, Mimi and Monsieur Alphonse place the wine barrel with the machine into the sewer. Unfortunately, this plan goes down the drain too: Crabtree later arrives to inform René that the British air force have dropped bombs on the water works and hit the water pumps. No it won't work to flush away the enigma machine. Edith comes up with a new plan: to fill up the sewer with the café's wine. The plan works and the enigma machine is finally flushed away. The gang heads back to the café and celebrate their success. That is until René discovers that LeClerc has put the wrong case in the barrel: they have flushed the suitcase René was packing earlier, while the enigma machine is still at the café.

25 Feb 89   All in Disgeese

British Intelligence sends experts, disguised as French policemen, to examine the Enigma machine to discover its secrets. General Von Klinkerhoffen declares that René will be shot if the machine isn't handed back to the Germans at once. Herr Flick arrests Edith, Yvette, and Mimi and uses a truth serum on them. This makes Mimi act very strangely.