03 Sep 88   Desperate Doings in the Dungeon

Herr Flick (under the identity of Frau Kinkenrotten) is still held in the dungeons, and if he cracks he can divulge that the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies have been copied. That’s why he must be rescued by Helga, von Smallhausen, and René - dressed as Himmler.  The Colonel and the Lieutenant are ordered by the General to let Herr Flick die in a rescue attempt by the Résistance, but seeing the danger of getting caught in a crossfire, they dress up as Gestapo officers to rescue Herr Flick, only to find René chained up instead.

10 Sep 88   The Camera In the Potato

Starting off in women’s underwear in the dungeons of the General’s castle, René is rescued by Lieutenant Gruber, and comes back just in time to be briefed by Michelle from the Résistance about the camera which will be used to photograph the safe in the château, and which is hidden inside a potato.  That night, Helga and the General is supposed to dine at Café René, but Helga is ordered away by Herr Flick, and the General has to endure Edith’s "seduction" before he can get away. He promptly discovers the Colonel in bed with Yvette, a flying helmet and some celery.  Finally, René can get into the château, but he doesn’t know that the safe is in Lieutenant Gruber’s room...

17 Sep 88   Dinner with the General

The show opens during the air raid which ended last episode - Rene is running back to the Cafe, and Von Klinkerhoffen, Von Strohm, and Bertorelli are all hiding under their desks. Herr Flick continues interrogating Helga about the plot to blow up Hitler to no avail; released, Helga reports on Flick to Gruber and Von Strohm. Von Klinkerhoffen takes a liking to Helga and has Von Strohm arrange a dinner, complete with live music. Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as the musicians to discover whether Von Klinkerhoffen is truly blowing up Hitler.  Meanwhile, Madame Edith delivers the film to Monsieur Alphonse for development, where he tells her about Rene's infidelity. She confronts Rene with the accusation but believes his bald denial. LeClerc examines the picture and prepares for the operation as Michelle devises a plan for Rene and LeClerc to break into Gruber's room during a smoke bomb diversion disguised as firemen and blow the safe. But Edith and Yvette pick the wrong chimney down which to throw the smoke bomb, instead hitting Von Klinkerhoffen´s chimney. This leaves Gruber still in his room as Rene breaks in dressed as a fireman...

24 Sep 88   The Dreaded Circular Saw

The plan to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain goes bad, as usual, when Edith puts the smoke bomb in the wrong chimney of the château, and René and LeClerc are forced to blow up the safe in another kind of chaos than they had originally planned. When the smoke clears they discover that Lieutenant Gruber had in his safe not the invasion plans, but the original paintings by Van Clomp and Van Gogh.  During the escape, René and LeClerc are captured by the Communist Résistance, in German uniforms, and it is unclear which is worst - saying that they’re Germans, or revealing their true identities, which are seen as German collaborators.  Helga is ordered by the Colonel to be Lieutenant Gruber’s best friend, but during their not-so-romantic tête-à-tête, Edith and the servant girls steal the Lieutenant’s little tank to try and rescue René.

01 Oct 88   Otherwise Engaged

René and LeClerc are caught between a rock and a hard place - and the Communist Résistance. They cannot reveal their true identities, because they will be shot as collaborators to the Germans. Enter Denise, the head of the Communist Résistance, who was René´s sweetheart in his childhood in Nancy, and who’s now determined to marry René.  Meanwhile, Edith and the servant girls have to explain to the Lieutenant why his little tank has crashed into the public toilet, and ends up getting Gruber’s compassion. And the two British airmen have decided it’s probably better to surrender to the Germans, than to stay at René´s café.  Back at the café, René has a difficult time telling Edith that he will marry Denise, since Monsieur Alphonse has asked for Edith’s hand, and Yvette has it in her heart to tell Edith that René will marry her instead.

08 Oct 88   A Marriage of Inconvenience

René's wedding to Denise is due shortly and he is not too happy about it. Another person that isn't too happy about this marriage is Edith. She summons Michelle, telling her that if René marries Denise, he'll join the Communists. Edith has hatched a plan, which requires Michelle and her girls to kidnap Denise. Then, Edith can take her place at the altar and marry René. They agree not to let René know about the plan. Von Strohm is getting heat from Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen after the paintings were stolen from Gruber. He commands Gruber to somehow get René to reveal the whereabouts of the paintings. Edith arranges a romantic dinner for her and René at the café. It is supposed to be a reprise of their honeymoon night before René is to marry Denise (or at least, so he thinks). The next morning, Michelle informs Edith that she has kidnapped Denise and put her in a mine shaft. Edith hurriedly goes to put on the wedding dress. Meanwhile, René is getting ready as Gruber arrives to question him. He is most disappointed to learn of the wedding. René assures Gruber and Von Strohm that the paintings are safe. Finally, the ceremony starts and René is shocked when Edith briefly lifts her thick veil to him. However, Edith's plan goes awry because Yvette and Mimi have substituted the priest with Crabtree, thus making the ceremony invalid.

15 Oct 88   No Hiding Place

Edith is upset since her plot to secretly remarry René has backfired. René himself is far more upset, though, as he learns that Denise has escaped from the mine shaft where Michelle held her captive. It is not long before a Communist hit squad shows up at the Cafe to get back at René, but Edith and the others tell them that René is dead. René then has to dress up like and old man so he can pose as his own father. Meanwhile, Von Strohm is worried since René is the only one who knows where the paintings are, so he orders Helga to follow and protect him and write down his last words in case he should end up dead. So of course Helga has to don a costume too; dressing up as a hooker (plus a mechanical poodle and Gruber dressed as her pimp). Herr Flick gets involved too; assigning Von Smallhausen to take pictures of everyone René comes in contact with. Despite all of this, Denise and her girls manage to capture him in front of everybody. Luckily for René, though, Denise realizes that the failed marriage attempt wasn't his fault - it was the fault of Edith, Mimi and Yvette! She announces her intention to kill all three women before dumping René out of her Communist truck as she leaves town to campaign for head of the Communist party.

22 Oct 88   The Arrival of the Homing Duck

Rene, having been dumped out of the Communist truck, reports to the girls that Denise has vowed to kill them all, so Edith starts hiding in various disguises (including disguising herself as her mother and as LeClerc).  Helga reports to Von Strohm that the paintings are in the Communist HQ, so they make plans to attack the Communists and recover the art, using Bertorelli and his just-arrived Italian troops.  Von Klinkerhoffen comes to report that the German Generals will be arriving for a conference to plan the British invasion, and Rene is told by Michelle that he will end up doing the catering for the conference and that he must photograph the plans, and send them by duck.

29 Oct 88   Watch the Birdie

Michelle arrives to report that it is time for the German Generals' Conference at the chateau. Rene is to photograph the plans, using what is perhaps the funniest device used in the show: a false "caterer" front with a fake hand and a camera hidden beneath a flip-up apron. Edith is assigned to provide the distraction, and given some foam-at-the-mouth pills in a bottle labelled "Curiously Strong Peppermints". Unfortunately, LeClerc has let the Long Distance Duck loose, so he and Alphonse go duck-hunting to recapture it (so it can take the film to England), but Bertorelli shoots it first.  Gruber, planning the arrangements for the conference, finds he doesn't have enough sleeping space, so he needs to rent a room at the Cafe. Flick has Helga try on the wedding dress he has gotten for her (all leather). "London Calling" tells Rene that one of the Generals at the conference is a French collaborator and must be eliminated, but Mimi jumps the gun and paralyzes the French General in the Cafe. Crabtree takes his place at the Conference, which Flick and Von Smallhausen attempt to observe. The Generals at the Conference find the bottle of "mints" and all take one, which results in them all soon foaming at the mouth. As they panic and run to the Hospital, Rene stands on a chair and flips his apron to snap the map.

05 Nov 88   René - Under an Assumed Nose

LeClerc and Alphonse bring the duck (shot by Bertorelli) to the Cafe, to find it appears to only be stunned, not dead. Von Strohm and Gruber study a map of the Communist's sawmill and plan to storm it to recover the paintings. Michelle angrily reports that Rene's photo is useless since he photographed a blank map, but Rene has reached the end of his rope and decides to quit the resistance. To keep him in, Michelle reveals her hidden love for him and he relents. Gruber arrives to arrest Rene to be shot for the attempted poisoning. But Flick suspects the big-nosed French General of the poisoning, and heads off to find him.  Rene is offered many possible disguises with which to avoid the firing squad but he ends up disguised as the French general. Unfortunately LeClerc uses plastic explosive for the fake nose. Helga fetches Flick to capture the French General he suspects, but Rene's nose is accidentally ignited and he tosses it out into the street, just as Herr Flick arrives to take the full brunt of the blast.

12 Nov 88   The Confusion of the Generals

René attempts to escape in his own clothes, but Gruber turns up and informs him that Von Klinkerhoffen now believes that the French General was responsible for the fiasco at the conference. The real French General is placed outside the café, for the Germans to arrest; though he is still paralysed from Mimi's pill. Herr Flick is laid out on a bed in his dungeon, with injuries from the exploding nose incident.  General Von Klinkerhoffen reveals his plans for the rescheduled General's conference. Peasants will be dressed up as the Generals and placed in a tent in the town square; whilst the real Generals discuss the invasion plans in the café disguised as peasants. This will stop any assassination plots or interruptions.  Michelle reveals that more British airmen will be arriving at the café, undercover of an air raid. They will be placed in a fish truck, and driven to the coast shortly after arriving. All the British airmen turn up dressed as onion sellers, but the German generals also turn up dressed as onion sellers. As the British airmen say that they are "trying to get to England", the generals believe that they are to practice their English at the meeting. The air raid then starts, and the Colonel arrives in uniform, telling everyone to go to the shelters. The Germans generals leave the café, and climb into the back of the waiting fish truck, thinking that it will take them to the air raid shelters!

19 Nov 88   Who's for the Vatican

René starts to brick himself up in the cellar of the café, as he thinks he will be blamed for the disappearance of the German generals. Fortunately, the fish truck has hit a bomb crater, and the German generals have gone back to Berlin.  General Von Klinkerhoffen is blaming the Colonel for the mix-up. The General orders the Colonel and Gruber to pack for the Russian Front. This forces the Colonel to come up with a plan to hide in the Vatican, as the Catholic Church always want money. Once they manage to retrieve the paintings, they will sell them, cut Helga out of the deal, and use the proceeds to enter the Vatican. However, Helga is listening at the door, and goes and tells Herr Flick of this news.  Michelle tells René that she needs the paintings to sell for party funds. René is to give the Colonel the two forgeries instead. René heads towards the old sawmill, dressed as a Franciscan vicar wheeling a pram, which has Mimi disguised as a baby. Helga follows, dressed as a Nurse wheeling a pram, and Herr Flick as the baby. LeClerc leads the Italians and the Germans to the old sawmill.  As René is switching the real paintings with the forgeries at the sawmill, Denise Laroque returns from Lyon, and declares her love to René. She is interrupted by the Italian troops, who start firing at the sawmill. The Italians, the Colonel, Gruber and LeClerc are then captured by the Communist Resistance!

26 Nov 88   Ribbing the Bonk

René has concealed the real paintings in Mimi's nappy. René then convinces Denise to demand a ransom for the German officers and Italian troops. Herr Flick and Helga return to Gestapo headquarters.  Crabtree, Michelle and Alfonse inform Edith and Yvette of the Communist's capture. Michelle calls up the RAF to bomb the sawmill, as it will eliminate so many enemies.  René retrieves the forgeries of the paintings, and places them down the trousers of Gruber. René and LeClerc then leave the sawmill, after been forced to leave Mimi behind with the Communists. René phones the General, and demands a ransom of one million francs. The General refuses to pay, so Michelle comes up with a plan to steal the money from the bank, so they can pay the ransom and save Mimi.  LeClerc manages to open the bank's safe, but the door accidentally closes, forcing everyone to be come trapped in the safe. However, LeClerc blows open the safe door from the inside, and everyone escapes, with a deposit box full of money.